Dear Corban,
When you were born you changed everything about my life. Now that Séamus is here he has changed everything about your life. You both are my reasons for appreciating life’s large and small blessings. You both inspire so much reflection that it is evident that you were not just sent here simply as entertainment for Mommy and Daddy as we frequently remark.
I had only wanted one child, but then after seeing what beautiful children Daddy can make I decided it was time for number two. You are just that amazing to me. Your brilliance convinced me that having two children could only making life better. Nevertheless, my excited about growing our family often overshadows my mama guilt. It does not change the fact that it exists, and with the birth of Séamus is stronger than ever.
I spent most of my days feeding and holding you when you were small. Daddy would place you in the stroller when he would take you out. We did not take full advantage of babywearing as we should have done. I would wear you in the Moby at work, and sometimes when we would run errands. It was an awesome experience and I feel guilty that I did not wear you more! I should have been doing it all of the time!
I never set a goal with you when it came to breastfeeding. I just knew from the beginning that I wanted to do it and hoped it would continue as long as you wanted. I fed you on demand until you were around 6 months old. In between times I was convinced by your pediatrician that I needed to supplement formula because you were not gaining weight.
At first I supplemented with store-bought formula. It made me cry every time I saw it near you. I was falling apart inside. That is when I decided to make my own raw milk formula. That made the crying stop, but I was still mad at myself for not being able to breastfeed you like I wanted.
I stopped breastfeeding altogether when you decided you would start biting. I wish that I had been tough enough to power through. When you would bite and laugh at me though, it was too much to handle. That is when you started eating raw milk formula exclusively. I feel guilty that you and I do not have a successful breastfeeding story.
You slept with us until you were about 7 months old. Even then when you would cry out in the night Daddy would go and get you and bring you to me. I hated the thought of you being so small and sleeping in an entirely different room. I feel guilty about setting you off on your own so soon. You would probably still be sleeping with us had I not been so selfish. I was just trying to find my own space anywhere that I could. Now, upon further reflection, I did not make my selection wisely.
We decided to use cloth diapers before you were even born. I just knew it would be best for everyone involved and I was right–for the most part. I do feel guilty about the times I have had to put in you disposables because we were traveling (and I was too lazy to inconvenience myself) or when I had to strip your diapers. I hated it when you would get a rash because of the yeast in your diapers. I do not think any mother, cloth diapering or not, likes to see her baby get a rash though.
I feel guilty about my lack of patience with you on several occasions when you were small. You were just a baby and had no understanding of what I was saying, so all that begging for you to stop screaming was futile. You were such a sweet baby and did not deserve such emotional displays. I should have been more of an adult in these situations. I am so sorry.
I also feel guilty about having allowed myself to be convinced that vaccinations were what was best for you. I was not completely oblivious about the potential harms associated with vaccines, so I was hesitant at the time. I think this makes the guilt even worse. I knew better. Nevertheless, I listened to the “experts” and ignored my gut feeling. I keep thinking a better mother would have stood her ground. I am sorry.
You altered the way I look at the world and Séamus has made me slow down to appreciate it. Just as I no longer pass by tractors or airplanes without slowing down, I no longer trusts the “experts” to guide me in the decisions I make. I will always be your advocate and biggest fan. In saying this, I accept responsibility for making decisions that are in your best interest. Do not misunderstand, I will continue to make mistakes, but my promise to you is to continue to learn from them and try my best to not make them twice. I love you and thank you for being the reason I can call myself a mother.
Eternally yours,
Mom
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